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The Final Addiction

    Another month has passed in the Vrabsko community. As time marches on, January seems to be approaching rapidly – too rapidly, in fact. I write this post while my body feels weak, and everything around me seems unnaturally quiet. I am in the midst of fasting, and strangely, I feel completely at ease with it. Never before have I felt so stable and secure, allowing myself to confront the emotions that arise when I’m not eating.

    It all began with a self-reflection session. I suddenly realized that there is one last addiction that continues to taint my daily life, preventing it from being perfect: a sugar addiction – the boss of all addictions. Come on, who isn’t addicted to sugar these days? As I reach back into my memories to trace its origins, it becomes clear that my eight-year-old self was going to school, filled with fear of rejection and a desperate longing for a genuine connection with someone. It all felt like too much to bear. However, I knew that along the way, I’d use the small change I received from my parents to buy breakfast for myself. And that breakfast usually consisted of pastries, donuts, rolls with pudding, or Snickers bars. If there was any money left, I’d top it off with an orangeade to wash down the sugary treats. This routine served as a numbing agent, helping me “survive” the day. Now, as I replay this scene in my mind, I can clearly understand what was happening.

    I couldn’t tolerate attending school, feeling misunderstood, and experiencing a sense of being out of place. The constant directives and pressures to conform felt unbearable. It was as if no one truly saw me for who I was. There was no authentic connection, and the feeling of lack was overwhelming. The lack of money at home, with parents always at work or tired, and a cold, alien house only added to the turmoil. At the time, I wasn’t even aware of the weight of it all. It was simply too much for an eight-year-old boy to handle. Unknowingly, I found an effective solution – eat something, and the sweeter, the better.

    This pattern continued in various scenes throughout my life. Different details, but the same theme: when the emotions became overwhelming, I turned to eating. This led to a deep-seated coping mechanism, and it became so ingrained that it was hard to realize it was an issue until my health was truly at risk.

    I’ve been aware of my sugar addiction for years. I felt it and knew it, but awareness alone is not enough. I needed the resources to address it. I tried many times, but always ended up in the same place, consuming more sweets more compulsively. At some point, I transitioned to eating dates, raisins, bananas, and homemade cakes. This shift is one of the reasons my homemade sweets are usually better than store-bought ones. However, changing refined sugar for natural sugar doesn’t break the addiction; it still provides my body with more easily digestible energy than I can use, which has other effects I won’t discuss here.

    So, what can I do? Just like with any addiction, I need to confront what I’m running from and face it. There’s no way around it. After holding onto these emotions beneath the surface of my consciousness for most of my life, I’ve learned that, even though they may seem unbearable, keeping them buried is slowly killing me and making life miserable. If I want to live a great, long, fulfilling life and bring good to those around me, this is a necessary step.

    Now, finally, I have the resources I need. I have a community of people who see me for who I am, understand the emotional realm, and know how to allow, accept, and let go of what they feel. They can hold space for others to do the same. I’m not entirely sure what the journey will be like, but I feel prepared. I know I’m not alone. Unlike when I was eight, I can now think and do as I please. I feel safe, understood, and seen. I have all the warmth and support I need. My heart is open.

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